Inspired by those shallow bitches (look girls, my bedroom door is always open… love don’t hate) who felt compelled to make a group called “World’s 50 Most Beautiful People”. This group is exclusively for the 50 most intelligent individuals.

See, there is a story here. When I first spotted the 50 most beautiful people group, my first thought was, “Wow, where did I go wrong in my class schedule?” But then, then, came my second thought though, which was, “OMG Whoooo thought this shit up? So brazenly shallow! Such catty bitches.”

As I perused from one blonde head to another, however, a change came over me. It seemed that one of the blonde heads decided to list her favorite books, one of which I had read! Overcome with emotion, I felt a wave of sympathy and understanding wash over me. I too, loved “Where the Wild Things Are”! It had such great illustrations, and it was very, colorful. With my newfound sympathy, I found a resolve to, well, resolve, the situation.

Dearest ladies, know that I only desire peace and understanding between us. With that in mind, I think I can help clear some things up for you. Since there seems to be some confusion on this point, I shall be blunt. Truth be told darlings, I simply have no need of a list to tell me who is most pretty or who I want to have sex with. I am quite comfortable making such decisions all by my lonesome. Of course, if you really just must know, who amongst you are best in bed, I would be happy to help with said dilemma, no inconvenience at all. What can I say? I’m a do-gooder.

But maybe you are thinking, “Gee, I’m only trying to make useful the vast amounts of time I spend… staring at people and deeply considering their attractiveness.” If you really feel like that’s your niche, well, I won’t fight you for it. And of course your impulse to help give back this information is charming in a cute-puppy-dog-that-consta

ntly-shits-on-the-carpet kind of way.

While I’m in this vein (or is it vain? I can never remember) of honesty, I shall continue on. After considering the shitting puppy at some length, it has occurred to me that, like the shitting puppy, this problem could also be one of poor training.

I flash back to all the pretty, popular people who populated every episode of 90210 and Laguna Beach. All those pretty faces had pretty friends, and the people you had to watch out for were not as cute or had creepy weird hair or something. It almost seemed like a pattern! You could already know which boyfriends were going to turn out well, and which were bad ideas, because the bad ideas were uglier! It’s almost like good looking people were just automatically worth way more. Wait a moment now. If I was only like half as smart, and watched like 9 hours of 90210 a day, I might forget that it was TV, and start applying that pattern out in the real world! Oh Wow! Oh shit, I think I get it!

So to wrap up, please don’t let your looks completely and utterly go to your head. First off, when you put yourself up on a pedestal of looks, you just moved everyone else down. That bothers people. But if that doesn’t move you, think about this. Being hot, it really doesn’t put you at the top of the food chain anymore. After high school people start having lives and accumulate things like money and power and stuff, which are like, really desirable. And the pattern (which 90210 failed to clue you in on) is that smart people get way more of it. People that run things, they didn’t get there based on cuteness. At least most of them. Trust me. So take a moment and forget how good looking you are. Look around, and ponder, who are really the winners and losers in life, past like, high school? Being in a generous mood, I’ll let you all in on a secret. The time of the dumb pretty people being on top, it has come and gone. Sorry.